Ilness and Aging: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Written 2024

My mother was 84 when she died. She never talked about what it felt like to grow old – and she also had Parkinson's .Now in my seventies, I often wonder how she coped for she displayed many of the advanced symptoms. I remember her feeling ignored in. company because of her speech difficulties … shuffling instead of walking … being unable to write or read her own once-beautiful handwriting. Since I knew nothing about Parkinson’s at the time, I am ashamed to say that I thought that she was simply looking for attention!

It is hard for me to forgive myself for my lack of awareness and compassion. My mother was a woman to whom dignity was important and it must have been so difficult for her to lose so much of that – how alone she must have felt. And I realize how fortunate I am to live in an era that supports sharing and self-disclosure.

So here I am at 77 and much of what I have encountered has been unexpected. It would have helped if I had had some idea of what to expect. So kids - here’s what I’ve learned about aging and illness. Although some of the lessons have been difficult ones - the positive experiences win hands down.

I have learned that short-term memory is … well … short! And, as we age, it gets even shorter. In the (probably futile) hope of warding off dementia, I engage in sundry forms of brain exercise, but it doesn’t seem to make a dent in my memory difficulties. Thoughts and ideas that enter my mind often disappear in mili-seconds, lost forever unless I am somehow able to quickly scribble them down. And if – during a conversation – I have to politely wait my turn to speak, I forget what I wanted to say – and then get stuck trying desperately to remember.

I have learned that the greeting ‘How are you?’ takes on a whole new meaning for seniors. Just when we begin our long-awaited retirement, medical issues lie in wait, ready to pounce and take centre stage. That’s when ‘how are you’ (pronounced “How are you?) evolves into an invitation to a pity party. Take it from me: as a person with Parkinson’s disease, I have been to that party!\\

I have learned that as seniors, issues relating to our eventual demise begin to seep into our reality. We begin to consider life’s possibilities and inevitabilities, and mull over advance directives, funeral planning, Wills and such. I have prepared and organized all the necessary documents – an accomplishment which my grieving family will appreciate when the time comes. It will also give them cause to smile as they recognize the OCD that propels me towards super-organization.

I have learned that my love of action and excitement has been replaced by a need for peace and quiet. But try finding a restaurant without a cacophony of voices clamouring to be heard above the blaring music. Or a clothing store that doesn’t blast loud music all day long. Fortunately there are such stores – these are the ones that offer pricey clothing for overweight, frumpish and noise-phobic seniors like me!

I have learned that ageism is alive and well. All too-often health professionals dismiss our complaints as an inevitable part of aging, and we are not taken seriously. I would like them to know how demeaning and insulting that is.

I have learned that being offered the seniors’ discount is both a blessing (the price is right) and a curse. It usually occurs when the sales person, with hardly a glance at me, gives me the senior’s rate. Now - is this a compliment or an insult? I have learned that eating too much junk food is a mortal sin! I grew up in a home fully stocked at all times with mouth-watering candy, chocolates, cookies, cakes, soft drinks, bread, ice cream - and delicious exotic fruits. You name it; it was there for the taking. It is a tough addiction to conquer, so I find myself shopping in plus size clothing stores, and cringing when bombarded with media warnings about the health hazards of sugar excess.

I have learned that in the absence of regular exercise, the act of bending down to fasten my shoelaces constitutes my exercise for the day, as I pant from the exertion. Though I swore blind that I would never be a couch potato like my mother, I acknowledge with shame that I am in fact following in her lazy footsteps, and promise myself every day that I’ll start tomorrow!

But it's not all doom and gloom. Being a senior has distinct advantages. Read on:

I have learned that being a grandparent is the penultimate joy. We get to enjoy all the special moments that we missed as busy parents. We can spoil our grandchildren rotten – and send them home when we’ve had enough. We treasure special moments such as finding a little one cuddled between us the morning after a sleepover. And nothing compares with their squeal of delight when we come to play. The joys of grandparenting are huge – and limitless.

I have learned that an empty nest is a tidy nest! No more dirty dishes all over the house … no more loud music coming from the bedrooms. … no more mysterious disappearances of food left in the fridge …and no more shortage of hot water in the shower. I thought this day would never come

I have learned not to waste time and energy on regrets. Whatever bad choices or mistakes I made over the course of my life provided important lessons from which I acquired the wisdom that (believe it or not!) comes with age.

I have learned that I no longer need to dress to impress. Comfort is paramount and I have the luxury of living each day in jeans, tee shirts and sneakers. Or my pajamas if I so choose!

I have learned that as a retiree I can do what I like, when I like, how I like – and IF I like! I can be busy – or do nothing all day. I have time on my hands to pursue whatever turns me on (which can be a double-edged sword since my children know this – and guess who gets the calls to step in when help is needed?)

I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. As seniors we know full well that we are increasingly vulnerable to illness, and this thought is never far away, especially when we hear about our contemporaries confronting illness or loss. Squabbles and personal differences seem like an awful waste of the precious and unknowable time we have left.

I have learned that a lifetime of experience has given me the confidence to be more assertive when I need to be and I can stand up for myself with conviction. I’m done with shoving things under the rug to avoid conflict.

I have learned to make peace with who I am. I know what I want and don’t want, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I know what is important to me. I am far less concerned with how others view me.

I have learned that the trials and tribulations I have experienced have strengthened me so that I am more resilient, and more confident that I can cope with whatever obstacles I encounter.

I have learned that medical science has made it possible for us to live longer, even when genetics is against us. Medicine has advanced such that even with a serious illness it has become possible for us to survive years more than would have been the two or three decades earlier. But is this a good thing? We may live longer, but are we living better?

And at the risk of embarrassing my children, I will add one more thing:

I have learned about the wonders of aging: Senior sex is alive and well

I can just hear my children groaning in unison: “Eeeeuuu Mother!

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