A Heart of Gould

Written Aug 2010

Published in

The Globe & Mail Oct 2010

Feigning an air of confidence to conceal the raging disquiet inside, I scanned the restaurant and headed for a table near the back, where I could   observe him searching for the forty-something woman with whom he had shared a few words on the telephone. He had neither met me nor seen a photograph.

The year was 1986, long before the advent of online dating. I had purposely arrived early to give myself time to adopt that elusive veneer of tranquility.

The dating game was indeed uncharted territory. Having been only 18 years old when I married my first husband, I was ill prepared for the complexities of marriage. And here I was, at age 40, 21 years of marriage and five children later, newly separated, on a date with a man who answered an ad I had placed in the personal column of the local newspaper, long before online dating began.

"What was I thinking?" I muttered to myself. "This man could be an axe murderer!" I took a few deep breaths.

 Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tall, attractive, bearded man heading in my direction. Feeling both fearful and a little excited, I stood to shake his hand and exchange "pleased-to-meet-you" pleasantries. We quickly busied ourselves with menus and meal choices, a diversion that eased us into the discovery of similarities and the sharing of histories.

"So far, so good," I thought to myself as I asked the obvious question: "So, what led to your separation?"

"We just grew apart," he began, elaborating on the gradual process that left them with little to say to one another.

I went in for the kill. "What do you think your ex wife would say if I asked her the same question?" (Hey, I'm a social worker - asking probing questions was how I made my living).

Silence. He stared out the window for what seemed like an eternity.

"Uh-oh. I blew it," I admonished myself, biting my tongue in regret just as he began to answer.  I later learned that it was this question that piqued his interest in me, as he felt the conversation enter a deeper, more authentic level.

That was 24 years ago. My memories of that night remain vivid. The conversation flowed until the headwaiter's yawn sent us on a search for another venue. Off we went to the local mall, where we walked and talked and walked and talked.

Placing the ad in the paper was a fortuitous act of impulse and curiosity. I didn't want to navigate the depressing singles bar scene. And I had no desire to enter into a serious relationship so soon after my separation - or so I had thought.   For a while after our first date, common sense prevailed and I took the time to meet some of the others who had responded to my ad. However, several disappointing dates later, I allowed myself to follow my heart instead of my head - a good decision, I now know.

The glow so prevalent in the early months of any relationship - ours included - blinded us from seeing ourselves as we were at the time. We were two lost souls, each fresh out of long term marriages, each struggling to heal from the pain of failure, each trying to parent our confused children - and each             unprepared for another relationship.

Yet somehow it worked and we pulled through. We lived separately for several years, which we felt was best since we had eight kids between us. Today we share good relationships with our children and stepchildren, and they have

rewarded us with wonderful grandchildren who are simply ‘ours’ - not ‘yours’ or ‘mine.’    In this man I found someone who accepts me with all my imperfections and loves me because of - not in spite of - who I am, empowering me to be   myself at all times. He treats me with kindness, thoughtfulness and respect, and has learned what I need from him when I'm feeling vulnerable. I trust him with my feelings.  He is intelligent, unafraid of conflict, and welcoming of emotional connectedness. He uses his brilliant sense of humour strategically, creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter when I least expect it.  All this,  from a       newspaper ad!

We were married in a most romantic ceremony on a stunning beach in   Barbados, one week after my 50th birthday and on the tenth anniversary of the day on which we met..

As we now enter our 25th year, we still find it astounding that in the vast, vast world of the newly single, we somehow found each other through - of all things - a personal ad. It hasn't always been a walk in the park. We have, over the years, faced more than our fair share of life's challenges. But our          commitment to addressing our differences with mutual respect has created a safe haven in which we can heal from life's vicissitudes. Now older and wiser, we're no longer the two lost souls we once were.

So what did I say in my ad?

ewish, newly separated woman, age 40 (with kids), attractive professional with a positive outlook on life and a happy disposition, seeks to meet (not marry) man in similar situation who has and values these    qualities: integrity, kindness and sensitivity, self-awareness, self-insight

and a willingness to share this;  intelligence, a sense of humour, relative

emotional stability and last - but not least - physical attractiveness.”

I recently asked him what it was about the ad that led him to respond. 

His answer?

"Seeks to meet (not marry)!!!"